Coach/Athlete Relationships

written by Pete Van Mullem, Lewis-Clark State College in Lewiston, ID

"Hopper, you're the best," stated a tearful Alan Exley, giving his induction speech into the Humboldt State University Athletics Hall of Fame. Hopper was a long-time mentor and friend, and Exley was conveying his thanks. Alan Exley had made a career in coaching, spanning four decades, but on a night of celebration he could barely finish a sentence.

Hidden inside the redwood forest of Northern California, Coach Exley is the winningest men's soccer coach in Humboldt State University history, leading the NCAA DII institution to 171 victories. He retired in 2003, but he continues to be the consummate coach, living for the game and the game living through him.

It had been over eleven years since I last spoken with or seen Coach Exley. At that time I was a graduate assistant coach working in the athletic department. Although, I have never seen him coach a game or witness a practice, I remembered that he was well respected. However, during this brief moment as Coach Exley reflected on his career it became very clear why he had made it this long in coaching. Pouring his emotions and feelings out from behind the podium, he shared a glimpse of himself and the type of coach he was.

Although the audience understood the significance of the moment, they struggled getting through Coach Exley's emotional speech. It's doubtful they were surprised by the emotion: Coaches are known for demonstrating emotion. For example, following a victory over Texas Tech in 2007, Oklahoma State University Football Coach, Mike Gundy, berated a journalist in a profanity-laced tirade over an article she had written a week earlier. Elated following a victory over the Detroit Lions in 2011, San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh failed to appropriately shake Lions coach Jim Schwartz's hand. Recently, in a fit of frustration, Bill Belichick chased down a NFL replacement official following his team's (New England Patriots) last second loss to the 49ers.

What was challenging for the audience attending the hall of fame dinner was that they were not intimately connected to Coach Exley's experiences, and yet you could sense how important this moment was to him - a life's work being honored. He was taking the audience on a caring and compassionate ride through his career. Was the audience prepared to take the journey with him? Maybe we don't expect this type of compassionate experience from coaches.

It has been argued that coaches must control emotion, remain stoic, expressionless, never get too high, and never get too low (Martens, 2004). We seem to be more accepting of an animated coach on the sideline visually demonstrating enthusiasm and passion then a coach expressing empathy for their players. Well known for shedding tears of compassion for his players when his team was eliminated from the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, Roy Williams, head basketball coach at the University of North Carolina, was often ridiculed in the media for being wimpy (Baldwin, 2007).

What's interesting is student-athletes seek compassion and empathy from their coach. Roy William's players publicly acknowledge and praise his genuine concern for them as people. During the last home game of his senior season, when Coach Williams was at the University of Kansas, All-American player Raef LaFrentz stated, "Coach Williams, I don't know the words to say what you have done for me over the past four years. Thank you for making my dreams come true (Neilster, 2007)."

The emotions expressed by Roy Williams in a post game press conference, and by Alan Exley during his hall of fame speech are more than a coach "captured by the moment." The sentiment they are sharing is a result of emotional labor - the work behind the scenes to develop personal relationships with their student-athletes (Potrac, 2011).

In athletics there is an intense personal interaction between a coach and athlete, a social exchange driven by individuals working towards a common goal (Jones, 2011), thus creating an environment ripe for the development of strong emotional bonds and lasting relationships. The willingness to invest in emotional labor is fueled by a coach's passion for sharing the game and a genuine interest in helping young people. An athlete wants to believe that the actions of their coach are legitimate (Ronglan, 2011) and they will not be exploited or taken advantage of (Jones, 2011). Therefore, the coach sets the stage for building relationships, by establishing trust. Coach Exley built relationships, creating emotional bonds forged in battles of victory and defeat. He truly cared about his players and he indisputably loved the game. On this night, he shared that with us.

The other five hall of fame inductees joining Coach Exley were former student-athletes. Each shared stories about their experiences, teammates, and coaches, many expressing a deep appreciation for the guidance they received from a coach. Mark White, a basketball inductee turned to his Hall of Fame coach and stated, "The best thing about Coach Wood is he had a passion for basketball, and he cared about you as a player. As an athlete you can't really ask for any more from your coach."

Maybe that is the reason Exley is still coaching. As the Hall of Fame award dinner concluded, and inductees mingled with the crowd, I spoke with Exley. He mentioned that he received a call from a small local high school the week before. The soccer team had lost their coach mid-season and they wanted Exley to coach them for the remaining schedule. He was modest, but you could tell he did not hesitate at the opportunity. Concerned for the experience of the players, and still passionate about the sport, he jumped right in. Exley stated, "The first week they were wondering who this old guy was and missing their former coach. By the second week we were on the same page and coming together."

I doubt Coach Exley is shedding any tears when addressing his new team, but this Hall of Fame Coach continues to invest in emotional labor, building lasting relationships.

references

(back to pelinks4u homepage)